TED's Fuzzy Thoughts

VACATION

Sat, 14 Jul 2012 14:17:00 -0700

Hello to all and most, and most of all… to everyone!

Ted is going on vacation!

My vacation is being paid for by all of you wonderful people who went to see my movie!

Thank you!

I think I’m gonna go to Jamaica and go on one of their “agricultural tours” of the countryside. Also, I think I’m gonna smoke a shit ton of pot!

I love all of you!

Hey, you know what? When I get back let’s all of us go hang gliding together on the world’s biggest hang glider!

Ted

FANCY BILL MAHER-LOOKING GENTLEMAN WITH DIAGONAL...

Wed, 27 Jun 2012 19:08:44 -0700

FANCY BILL MAHER-LOOKING GENTLEMAN WITH DIAGONAL “GRAVEDIGGER” AND “JACKHAMMER” DICKS IN HIS FACE

I came UP with a little SANITY TEST so that people could see if...

Tue, 26 Jun 2012 08:32:16 -0700

I came UP with a little SANITY TEST so that people could see if they were insane or not. Below are a few sample questions. See how you do!

T or F: You are insane.

T or F: Your hands become clammy at the sight of Roman numerals.

T or F: Your neighbor’s dog makes a lot of mistakes, that’s why he’ll get caught.

Where have those fingers been?

T or F: If you place your address and a postage stamp on your neighbor’s car, the mailman will deliver it to you.

T or F: If you had a crew cut, you could fly a plane.

T or F: Finding a cool, dry area away from direct sunlight is the key to proper urine storage.

Seriously, where have those fingers been?

T or F: Your furnace is fluent in serial killer.

T or F: You experience the flavor of cold cuts less intensely than others.

T or F: Since an early age, you have been able to see through windows.

Fingers, have you ever attempted to plug in a glass of water?

T or F: Everything in your life seems to indicate that you are an Emperor.

T or F: Tying a yellow sweater around your neck improves the value of real estate in your area.

T or F: Once you reach hot tub/dune buggy status, you no longer have to answer to anyone.

Finger man, have you ever chewed gum while not wearing you gum chewing pants?

Just be happy...

Mon, 25 Jun 2012 23:35:01 -0700

In the quiet satisfaction of that.

I LOVE SAYING...

Mon, 25 Jun 2012 23:32:03 -0700

“I could be wrong”, when I know I’m right.

I’m giving myself one of these today. Why? Because I...

Mon, 25 Jun 2012 17:45:25 -0700

I’m giving myself one of these today. Why? Because I fucking need it!

I’m pretending a GIANT RED TEACHER gave it to me for being GOOD AT LIFE.

It’s working… I’m looking at it and I’m starting to believe my own lie. I already feel better. Fuck, I’m awesome! What the fuck was I so bummed out for?!

SCIENTIFIC THOUGHT: What if eating smoked meats and drinking...

Sun, 24 Jun 2012 16:14:00 -0700

SCIENTIFIC THOUGHT:

What if eating smoked meats and drinking LOTS OF BEER cured cancer? Here’s how: you slather the smoked meats in those nanobots scientists keep talking about - you know - the microscopic robots that enter your bloodstream and hunt down and eliminate cancerous cells. Right? Then the LOTS OF BEER is for washing it down and catching a buzz and celebrating cuz you just got cured of cancer by eating delicious smoked fucking meats!

Oh, and kids in school, just as a little motivator…. I was terrible at science in school and also used to jerk off into library books and hallway water fountains between classes, so, keep at it, and genius ideas like this may come to you too!

FANCY GENTLEMEN OF YORE WITH PORNO DICKS IN THEIR FACES #3 AKA...

Thu, 21 Jun 2012 11:43:55 -0700

FANCY GENTLEMEN OF YORE WITH PORNO DICKS IN THEIR FACES #3 AKA “THE DUKE OF DICKS”

FANCY GENTLEMEN OF YORE WITH PORNO DICKS IN THEIR FACES #2

Tue, 19 Jun 2012 10:47:00 -0700

FANCY GENTLEMEN OF YORE WITH PORNO DICKS IN THEIR FACES #2

FANCY GENTLEMEN OF YORE WITH PORNO DICKS IN THEIR FACES

Mon, 18 Jun 2012 19:47:00 -0700

Just like the riots that erupted after the debut of Debussy’s “The Rite Of Spring” because the world wasn’t ready for such artistic brilliance, the series of works I am about to present may be way ahead of its time. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the first piece in a series I am calling “Fancy Gentlemen Of Yore With Porno Dicks In Their Faces.”

FANCY GENTLEMEN OF YORE WITH PORNO DICKS IN THEIR FACES #1

Mon, 18 Jun 2012 19:47:00 -0700

FANCY GENTLEMEN OF YORE WITH PORNO DICKS IN THEIR FACES #1

MY ART SHOW!

Sat, 16 Jun 2012 20:06:00 -0700

Fans of FINE ART get excited! I have been working on a series of “works” over the last few months, and I am planning to unveil them right here on my blog! Stay tuned! Oh, and OTHER ARTISTS, pack up your shit, this is gonna be the last art the world will ever need.

TEDDY BEAR MASTURBATER

Sat, 16 Jun 2012 18:37:00 -0700

TEDDY BEAR MASTURBATER:

I’m sure you’ve heard this story about the guy using a Teddy Bear to masturbate in public. Well, in any other situation I would blame the guy, but I know the bear he used and he’s a total scumbag. That innocent, non-crazy man was FRAMED! I mean look at his photo, he’s probably a family man with a mid-level management job at Lockheed-Martin or something. Trust me, the bear is to blame here, his name is “Jizzly Bear” for godsakes! (I would just like to say in Jizzly Bear’s defense, he was molested by Teddy Fuxpin and “Balown” by Baloo from “The jungle Book” as a cub.)

Photo

Thu, 14 Jun 2012 07:05:00 -0700

5 TERRIBLE NAMES FOR SPORTS TEAMS

Thu, 14 Jun 2012 07:04:00 -0700

The Clark Gable Used To Suck Dicks In The 1930’s To Get Movie Roles Dolphins

The Getting Caught By Your Wife While Eating Out Of Your Kid’s Dirty Diaper While Furiously Jerking Off Buccaneers

The Orthodox Jewish Woman’s Humid Untended Bush On A Hot Day In Heavy Religiously-Mandated Clothing Yankees

The Morgan Freeman’s Grand Daughter Has To Rub Up Against Those Tiny Moles All Over Morgan Freeman’s Face When He Fucks Her 49ers

The Hate Crimes Committed In My Bloody Swedish Basement Send The Dopamine Levels In My Brain Surging To The Limits Of Planetary Sexual Seizure White Sox

I’M WEARING 5 UGLY HATS TOMORROW. I JUST AM.

Tue, 12 Jun 2012 15:29:00 -0700

I’M WEARING 5 UGLY HATS TOMORROW. I JUST AM.

Sometimes when I’m walking down the street and I see one of...

Tue, 12 Jun 2012 11:32:00 -0700

Sometimes when I’m walking down the street and I see one of those Brinks trucks unloading money into a bank, I very subtly fuck with the guards. I know they’re trained to look for certain cues that a robbery is about to take place, so I’ll make a really obvious sneaky facial expression and walk right towards the truck like I’m one of a crack team of robbers who is about to cause a distraction so the other guys can rob the truck, right? Then, at the last minute, when I get close to the truck I turn away and start walking normal again and continue on my way. I never look at the guard’s faces, but I bet they get nervous every time. I fuck the shit out of life!

Dear FUCKING RACCOON that keeps taking my 5th Avenue Bars from...

Mon, 11 Jun 2012 18:20:50 -0700

Dear FUCKING RACCOON that keeps taking my 5^th Avenue Bars from my fire escape lounge area when I go inside to refill my Yoo-Hoo and rums:

First of all, 5^th Avenue Bars are not cheap (hence the swanky name).

Second, those candy bars helped with the war effort during WWII, so you’re fucking with that whole 1940’s Hairy American Knuckle Punch In The Face!

Third, your version of “Goldfinger” is no way better than Shirley Bassey’s so stop saying that! Your delusional self-regard in this matter vexes me greatly.

Fourth, don’t think I don’t see you “Brokeback Mountaining” that other tough raccoon. You guys really need to pull it back a little or you’re gonna kill each other with your dicks and headlocks.

Fifth, I have video of the above-mentioned activity and will fuck your ass up on Raccoon YouTube if you do not STOP TAKING MY 5^TH AVENUE BARS!

I hope you explode somehow,

Ted

I feel like if smoking were called “smorking” it wouldn’t have...

Fri, 08 Jun 2012 09:12:01 -0700

I feel like if smoking were called “smorking” it wouldn’t have such a stigma. Also, there’s no way that something called “smorking” could cause cancer. The cells in your body would be like, “should we turn cancerous? This guy’s smorking a lot?” and then all the cells would burst out laughing and everything would be fine like it is when you smork a ton of pot.

I have no idea what this Russian movie poster says, but I bet...

Thu, 07 Jun 2012 15:46:00 -0700

I have no idea what this Russian movie poster says, but I bet it’s something like this:

“Here is impractical talking bear and man who are crazy drinking coffee as bear makes funny times with simple thinking. Also there is peasant-footed woman who does calculation of her times with them.”