Dear FUCKING RACCOON that keeps taking my 5^th Avenue Bars from my fire escape lounge area when I go inside to refill my Yoo-Hoo and rums:

First of all, 5^th Avenue Bars are not cheap (hence the swanky name).

Second, those candy bars helped with the war effort during WWII, so you’re fucking with that whole 1940’s Hairy American Knuckle Punch In The Face!

Third, your version of “Goldfinger” is no way better than Shirley Bassey’s so stop saying that! Your delusional self-regard in this matter vexes me greatly.

Fourth, don’t think I don’t see you “Brokeback Mountaining” that other tough raccoon. You guys really need to pull it back a little or you’re gonna kill each other with your dicks and headlocks.

Fifth, I have video of the above-mentioned activity and will fuck your ass up on Raccoon YouTube if you do not STOP TAKING MY 5^TH AVENUE BARS!

I hope you explode somehow,

Ted