I think I might be the heir to a throne somewhere. Like in Europe. I’m probably not first in line or anything, but I bet after a bunch of my sickly or gay cousins die, it’ll be King Ted time! And then some fancy guy named Balthazaar would ring my doorbell one day and be like,

“Are you Ted?”

And I’d be like, “Depends who’s asking.”

And he’d be like, “my name is Balthazaar just like you fantasized my name would be,”

and then I would be like, “you just blew my mind Balthazaar. Are you here to tell me I’m a king?”

Anyway, after my “Brewster’s Millions”/”Coming To America” moment and my fancy crossing to Europe (which would involve lots of “cute” etiquette faux paws [don’t hate] on my part, which would be received with humorous shock and horror by the REAL fancy people). Oh the fuckin’ laughs!

But seriously, I would be a very generous king. All the uptight women in my kingdom will be given free “female cures” by famed German Doctor Skiddy Von Shudder. You see, these are really just pussy massages in a medical setting that result in these uptight fancy women having their first orgasm and therefore awakening their “kindly vag spirits” as Dr. Skiddy would say, and making all the men in the kingdom happy!

And as everyone knows, happy citizens are productive citizens. This is a no lose kingdom!

TEDTOPIA? TEDELOT? EL TEDORADO?