May 2012
26 posts
10 tags
THREE THINGS I WOULD DO WITH THREE MINUTES
1. Watch the opening sequence of “Contact” where you pull back from Earth and you hear all the different radio signals that we’ve sent out over the years and there’s all these different serious news bulletins and JFK speeches and stuff, and then you hear Dean Martin’s “Volare” and you smile thinkin’ about Dino flyin’ through space with like a cocktail in his hand!
2. Spend an extra three minutes...
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SKY HOOKIN' →
Amazing basketball player, terrible 80’s video. Please wait for the purple airplane.
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COOL STUFF I WOULD LIKE TO DO
1. Break out of a mental hospital and open for Van Halen that same night.
2. Make the biggest scientific breakthrough in cologne in 50 years.
3. Become a millionaire and have a half Hungarian/half Japanese manservant named Attila Mitsubishi.
4. Scrimshaw Bill Gates’ tibia bone into a fancy cane.
5. Make a speech that is so inspirational that it makes people feel like they are standing on the top...
April 2012
18 posts
14 tags
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JERKING OFF
I was just trying to jerk off on youporn and just as I was getting into it I noticed the chick had a lisp. She was going “YETH! YETH! OH BABY! YETH! MY PUTHY IS THO WET! I WANT YOU TO FUCK ME IN THE ATH!! So then I burst out laughing, right? And then after a bit, I see myself in the bathroom mirror, you know, standing there laughing with my dick in my hand. I immediately stopped laughing, as I...
15 tags
ANGRY SONG
I might write an aggressive song about pushing people to the ground.
The lyrics might be something like…
IF YOU CUT ME OFF IN TRAFFIC, I WILL PUSH YOU TO THE GROUND!
IF YOU MAKE ME WATCH “TWO BROKE GIRLS”, I WILL PUSH YOU TO THE GROUND!
IF YOU WEAR A WOOL BEANIE IN 90 DEGREE HEAT, I WILL PUSH YOU TO THE GROUND!
IF YOU SHOW ME YOUR BALLS ON THE SUBWAY, I WILL (CAREFULLY) PUSH YOU...
20 tags
I WORK OUT, YOU WORK OUT
Once again baked with a new TV show idea…. Okay, the original title was, “I work out in jeans, you work out in jeans,” but it’s just too long of a title, plus let’s save the jeans for episode three or four (the same episode where sunglasses are worn while bench-pressing.) I’m getting ahead of myself here…. Look, every AWESOME AMERICAN is either aware of, or belongs to a gym, right? The gym...
24 tags
YES, ROBOT
Stoned a gain with MY FIRST MOVIE IDEA! Okay, here it is: A ROBOT SCIENTIST invents the world’s first super intelligent robot, but guess what? Yup! Whoever invents the first smart robot will be the last free/living human. The robot takes over and, naturally, builds other robots. Luckily, at that very same moment, a Tiger Army Scientist working in the same facility had a major breakthrough, and...
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FASTER THAN YOU THOUGHT FAT GUY
Okay, I got stoned again and came up with another idea for a TV show. It’s about a fat guy who can move really fast. It’s called “Faster Than You Thought Fat Guy.” The main idea is that you take a look at this guy, and he’s really fat, and you’re like, “I bet that guy can’t move very fast because he’s so fat.” Then, ZOOM! he moves MUCH faster than you thought he could! When you see his large body...
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TV SHOW IDEA
I just got really stoned and came up with an awesome idea for a TV show! It’s about an amputee who has giant magnifying glasses for hands and magic wands for legs. He goes from town to town and solves murders and performs magic. I’m calling it “AbraCaGotcha!” It’s a kick-ass idea with a grab-you-by-the-balls title, and it marries two genres that I think American viewers have (very patiently)...
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DOGS
I’m not sure how I feel about dogs. Sometimes the way they look at me on the street, I don’t know. I wrote a poem about it. There’s LOTS OF RHYMING so you know it’s good.
Our eyes are level when they meet,
As I pass a dog on the street.
That one looks like Amanda Peet!
I run away cuz she thinks I’m meat,
Thank god I have wicked fast feet!
Does anyone know the PRESIDENT OF POETRY? I feel he...
25 tags
WHY I’M PRO EASTER BUNNY
Because the Easter Bunny is a big furry bunny that gives you free candy and chocolate, that’s why! Also, any guy who has willfully done that EVERY YEAR since probably caveman times has gotta be insane, and I get along great with insane people. All the not-insane people are so fucking boring. Just do my taxes and don’t try and have a conversation with me. And if you do try and have a conversation...
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Making Letters Bigger
Is there any way to make the LETTERS BIGGER on this thing? Does anyone know what a comma, one of these guys (,) is for? I just, tried to use one, back there.
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North Korea Guy
I just saw a picture of that hilarious North Korean kid who’s in charge now, Kim Jong-Un. Oh my god, he kinda looks like me when I wear people clothes. I bet there’s a whole bunch of guys in uniforms and hats that smell his poops to make sure he’s healthy. Weird to think that a ridiculous POOPING ASIAN TEDDY BEAR GUY could start a world war, oh man, can you imagine what the weapons are gonna be...
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Hi!
Hi, my name is Ted. I am a teddy bear and this is my blog, wherein I will share my musings on life both fancy and no (mostly not fancy probably). At least I think that’s what a blog is. Actually, I have no idea what a blog is. While everyone else has been blogging’ and tweeting’ and showing their balls on the Internet and whatnot, I have been getting stoned and playing video...
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