July 2012
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VACATION
Hello to all and most, and most of all… to everyone!
Ted is going on vacation!
My vacation is being paid for by all of you wonderful people who went to see my movie!
Thank you!
I think I’m gonna go to Jamaica and go on one of their “agricultural tours” of the countryside. Also, I think I’m gonna smoke a shit ton of pot!
I love all of you!
Hey, you know what?...
June 2012
25 posts
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Just be happy...
In the quiet satisfaction of that.
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I LOVE SAYING...
“I could be wrong”, when I know I’m right.
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FANCY GENTLEMEN OF YORE WITH PORNO DICKS IN THEIR...
Just like the riots that erupted after the debut of Debussy’s “The Rite Of Spring” because the world wasn’t ready for such artistic brilliance, the series of works I am about to present may be way ahead of its time. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the first piece in a series I am calling “Fancy Gentlemen Of Yore With Porno Dicks In Their Faces.”
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MY ART SHOW!
Fans of FINE ART get excited! I have been working on a series of “works” over the last few months, and I am planning to unveil them right here on my blog! Stay tuned! Oh, and OTHER ARTISTS, pack up your shit, this is gonna be the last art the world will ever need.
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TEDDY BEAR MASTURBATER →
I’m sure you’ve heard this story about the guy using a Teddy Bear to masturbate in public. Well, in any other situation I would blame the guy, but I know the bear he used and he’s a total scumbag. That innocent, non-crazy man was FRAMED! I mean look at his photo, he’s probably a family man with a mid-level management job at Lockheed-Martin or something. Trust me, the bear...
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5 TERRIBLE NAMES FOR SPORTS TEAMS
The Clark Gable Used To Suck Dicks In The 1930’s To Get Movie Roles Dolphins
The Getting Caught By Your Wife While Eating Out Of Your Kid’s Dirty Diaper While Furiously Jerking Off Buccaneers
The Orthodox Jewish Woman’s Humid Untended Bush On A Hot Day In Heavy Religiously-Mandated Clothing Yankees
The Morgan Freeman’s Grand Daughter Has To Rub Up Against Those Tiny Moles All Over Morgan...
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=490lwnYJpcA →
I’m sorry, I can’t let my hatred of the horrible Howie Mandel go.
This is how terrible Howie Mandel is… People have been shitting on him for thirty years. The above link is an SCTV sketch from the early 80’s. It’s not funny, except for 3:30 in when Martin Short comes out as Howie Soozloff “The Master of Improv.” (He’s the one with the giant white...
May 2012
26 posts
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I am an adult who is not afraid to buy a balloon and visibly enjoy it in front of others. I’ll buy a balloon on the street or at a hospital gift shop and just walk around for hours listening to Lionel Richie on my giant headphones…. Just smoke a bone while “floating” through Boston Common as “Running with the Night” plays with the shadows in my ear canals...
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WXo-PWUuoT4 →
This has always been one of my favorite internet videos. This man’s utter humiliation is an endless source of joy for me. The breezy, unruffled black newsman personality he worked his whole lifetime to construct becomes totally unravelled in half a second. There’s no coming back from this. The day that happened to him, was his effective death date.
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ANIMAL COLLECTIVE →
Animal Collective is my favorite band, and it’s not because I’m a Teddy bear. Check out this video
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This is how they set out to make the ad: Let’s find the biggest nightmare chick in the world, put a nightmare pink beret thing on her head, and have her perform a nightmare “dance” INSIDE THE LAST FUCKING PLACE ANYONE SHOULD BE DANCING, A MOVING CAR!
Even more annoying, is that you could feel through your TV set how fucking COOL the people who made this commercial thought it...
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THIS FUCKING BITCH →
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EVEN WORSE THAN ZOOM ZOOM
Okay, here she comes… the most fucking annoying fucking car commercial of all time!
You will all remember this nightmare…
I am calling it “This fucking bitch”…………
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MOST AWESOME CAR EVER! →
I would suck a homeless Samoan guy’s dick for this car.
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SUPER TED
I’m pretty sure I’m a super hero. Sometimes I’ll drop like a bottle cap or something and before it hits the ground I grab it with lightning fast reflexes. Then I look around to see if anyone saw it, and of course there’s no one around. But then I get the sense that someone was watching me and I realize that it’s probably another super hero out there with like amazing...
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Jetman
This video is a perfect example of how French people and “World” music can ruin cool shit.
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OUTER SPACE
I often wonder in my wonderings what outer space smells like, and I’ve come to the conclusion that it smells like a robot porn star farting in a 1,000-year-old Cathedral.
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RON PERLMAN
Very little is funnier to me than when Ron Perlman plays anything but a monster. This is a photo of him from “Sons Of Anarchy.” I love the guy, but please, anytime he plays a real guy, all I can think is that he’s a really badly disguised undercover monster.
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BORING PEOPLE
Why do boring people always have to try so hard to make you think they’re not boring. Like they’re always the ones who take up skydiving or travel to Africa for no reason. These types of dull people are always the ones sayin they’re like part Cherokee and stuff when they clearly are not. Just be boring and leave me alone.