Jul 14

VACATION

Hello to all and most, and most of all… to everyone!

Ted is going on vacation!

My vacation is being paid for by all of you wonderful people who went to see my movie!

Thank you!

I think I’m gonna go to Jamaica and go on one of their “agricultural tours” of the countryside. Also, I think I’m gonna smoke a shit ton of pot! 

I love all of you!

Hey, you know what? When I get back let’s all of us go hang gliding together on the world’s biggest hang glider!

Ted

Jun 27

FANCY BILL MAHER-LOOKING GENTLEMAN WITH DIAGONAL “GRAVEDIGGER” AND “JACKHAMMER” DICKS IN HIS FACE

FANCY BILL MAHER-LOOKING GENTLEMAN WITH DIAGONAL “GRAVEDIGGER” AND “JACKHAMMER” DICKS IN HIS FACE

Jun 26
I came UP with a little SANITY TEST so that people could see if they were insane or not. Below are a few sample questions. See how you do!

T or F: You are insane.
T or F: Your hands become clammy at the sight of Roman numerals.
T or F: Your neighbor’s dog makes a lot of mistakes, that’s why he’ll get caught.
Where have those fingers been?
T or F: If you place your address and a postage stamp on your neighbor’s car, the mailman will deliver it to you.
T or F: If you had a crew cut, you could fly a plane.
T or F: Finding a cool, dry area away from direct sunlight is the key to proper urine storage.
Seriously, where have those fingers been?
T or F: Your furnace is fluent in serial killer.
T or F: You experience the flavor of cold cuts less intensely than others.
T or F: Since an early age, you have been able to see through windows.
Fingers, have you ever attempted to plug in a glass of water?
T or F: Everything in your life seems to indicate that you are an Emperor.
T or F: Tying a yellow sweater around your neck improves the value of real estate in your area.
T or F: Once you reach hot tub/dune buggy status, you no longer have to answer to anyone.
Finger man, have you ever chewed gum while not wearing you gum chewing pants?

I came UP with a little SANITY TEST so that people could see if they were insane or not. Below are a few sample questions. See how you do!


T or F: You are insane.

T or F: Your hands become clammy at the sight of Roman numerals.

T or F: Your neighbor’s dog makes a lot of mistakes, that’s why he’ll get caught.

Where have those fingers been?

T or F: If you place your address and a postage stamp on your neighbor’s car, the mailman will deliver it to you.

T or F: If you had a crew cut, you could fly a plane.

T or F: Finding a cool, dry area away from direct sunlight is the key to proper urine storage.

Seriously, where have those fingers been?

T or F: Your furnace is fluent in serial killer.

T or F: You experience the flavor of cold cuts less intensely than others.

T or F: Since an early age, you have been able to see through windows.

Fingers, have you ever attempted to plug in a glass of water?

T or F: Everything in your life seems to indicate that you are an Emperor.

T or F: Tying a yellow sweater around your neck improves the value of real estate in your area.

T or F: Once you reach hot tub/dune buggy status, you no longer have to answer to anyone.

Finger man, have you ever chewed gum while not wearing you gum chewing pants?

Jun 25

Just be happy…

In the quiet satisfaction of that.

Jun 25

I LOVE SAYING…

"I could be wrong", when I know I’m right.

Jun 25
I’m giving myself one of these today. Why? Because I fucking need it! 
I’m pretending a GIANT RED TEACHER gave it to me for being GOOD AT LIFE.
It’s working… I’m looking at it and I’m starting to believe my own lie. I already feel better. Fuck, I’m awesome! What the fuck was I so bummed out for?!

I’m giving myself one of these today. Why? Because I fucking need it! 

I’m pretending a GIANT RED TEACHER gave it to me for being GOOD AT LIFE.

It’s working… I’m looking at it and I’m starting to believe my own lie. I already feel better. Fuck, I’m awesome! What the fuck was I so bummed out for?!

Jun 24

SCIENTIFIC THOUGHT:

What if eating smoked meats and drinking LOTS OF BEER cured cancer? Here’s how: you slather the smoked meats in those nanobots scientists keep talking about - you know - the microscopic robots that enter your bloodstream and hunt down and eliminate cancerous cells. Right? Then the LOTS OF BEER is for washing it down and catching a buzz and celebrating cuz you just got cured of cancer by eating delicious smoked fucking meats!

 

Oh, and kids in school, just as a little motivator…. I was terrible at science in school and also used to jerk off into library books and hallway water fountains between classes, so, keep at it, and genius ideas like this may come to you too!

Jun 21
FANCY GENTLEMEN OF YORE WITH PORNO DICKS IN THEIR FACES #3 AKA “THE DUKE OF DICKS”

FANCY GENTLEMEN OF YORE WITH PORNO DICKS IN THEIR FACES #3 AKA “THE DUKE OF DICKS”

Jun 19
FANCY GENTLEMEN OF YORE WITH PORNO DICKS IN THEIR FACES #2

FANCY GENTLEMEN OF YORE WITH PORNO DICKS IN THEIR FACES #2

Jun 18
FANCY GENTLEMEN OF YORE WITH PORNO DICKS IN THEIR FACES #1

FANCY GENTLEMEN OF YORE WITH PORNO DICKS IN THEIR FACES #1